Reflections on Communion - My Baby

Communion is special to me. I have always felt so connected to the gospel story when I receive that sacred sacrament of the body and blood of Christ.

So it was fitting that the week I found out I was pregnant, it was communion Sunday. I was filled with emotion as I received that communion. The body and blood of Christ, this very special eucharist meal, was nourishing this body - my body. It was giving me life, and in turn, it was being passed to my child. I see communion in very physical terms. It is deeply spiritual, but it is also physical for me. So as my body ingested communion that day, I cried, knowing that as this food literally sustains me, it helps my body grow this precious life. I was able to pass that beautiful gift of communion onto my son before he even left my body. I continued to receive communion throughout my pregnancy and it was a cherished time for me. 

Last Sunday was the first Sunday Henry was outside of my womb and in Church on a communion Sunday. I held him close. This moment was special to me. I knew it was special for my husband as well, and he asked to hold him as we walked up to receive the sacraments, but I selfishly shook my head. "I want him this time." I whispered. He can hold him during communion any other time, but this first one - this one is special for me. It was the first time he was really here with us, receiving communion as a family. We had shared that together, just the two of us, for so long and now he would  get to expeiece it with the Church. We walked up and after I received each element, the pastor put her hand on my sweet baby's head and said "Henry, this is the body of Christ broken for you," and the intern next to her proclaimed "Henry, this is the blood of Christ shed for you." It was a beautiful moment I will always hold dear to my heart.

A Meal With Theologians (and their wives)

This weekend my husband and I went to a potluck. For the past 6 months Wes has been meeting monthly with a group of youth pastors who all work at churches (from all kinds of denominations) about half an hour from our town. They decided last month that it would be fun to get their families all together to meet each other and share a meal.

To be honest I was kind of dreading it at first. I LOVE being with people but lately I've been so busy with church, work, youth group, marriage etc that all I want to do at the end of the day is be alone. This was a very important time for Wes so I bucked up and went along.

We arrived to meet with about 5 different youth pastors and their families and I couldn't have had a better night. We may all come from different theological backgrounds, different family types, but we were all youth pastors and youth pastors' wives, and there's no one who can understand you more than someone going through the same thing.

Wes and I live in a small town where there aren't many young couples or families and there are even less people who have a similar perspectives and passions. Most of the time we feel very alone. We have a small group at our church that we love, but there is a little something missing.

At first I just stayed next to Wes listening to the guys talk about ministry and theology and life. Then one of the kids came outside and wanted me to play with her (comfort zone!) so we walked upstairs and I found all the kids and their mom's. Now, I'm not a mom (been married just under a year) but with my background working with children and my love for people, it's pretty easy for me to join the group. We started by introducing ourselves but it quickly went to some real issues that resonated with all of us as wives of those in ministry. We talked about, time management, painful ministry hierarchy, marriage, about opening up our home for someone to live in, or humbling yourself to live with someone else...it was just so good to be around a whole group of people that feel the same feelings and think the same things. We clicked.

It's funny...earlier that night one Youth Pastor was talking about how parents in his church were upset that there were "clicks" in the youth group....but you can't force people to be friends. Those "clicks" are a solid group of friends dedicated to each other. You can teach people to love each other and be kind to your enemies...but that doesn't mean they will always connect.

An important part of community is CONNECTION. Common interest. Similar personalities. You can't force people to connect. You can't force community. (But you can have meals together to discover those connections!)

I picked my best friends - the ones I share my heart with. I don't share that with everyone...and that's okay! At the end of the night our group had asked if we wanted to do this more regularly, hosting at differnet homes (and the possibility of starting a small group bible study). YES. YES PLEASE! We need a community of people dedicated to each other. Feeling along side us.

Let's just say...

I can't wait for our next meal together.

Atheism

I recently watched this video of an atheist talking about why she couldn't believe in God anymore. I was very interested, because often times people become agnostic or atheist after experiencing religion and so I'm intrigued by why or what events led them to think the way they do.

In this video, it seems to me as though this very smart and caring girl had an event happen where she had to rethink everything she believed. He brother was gay. This is such an emotional issue for anyone who has to deal with it. The homosexual themselves, their family, their friends. For all, this is an emotional topic. Some react in healthy ways, and some do not. For this woman, she thought that she had to choose: God or my brother. She chose the one who was more tangible. And I don't blame her. She chose her family. Her brother. She had a God, who in her mind doesn't accept or love her brother, and she does love him, and so she had to try to mold God into her new perspective on life, and the way her church preached God, He didn't fit that mold anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if we're all just trying to make God fit our molds. In all cases, religious or not. My thoughts on this get kind of shadowed, inconsistent and confusing the deeper I try to think about it, but I think it's worth looking at. I'm not a theologian (Though I am dating one). But I am someone who still believes in God even though my thoughts on some subjects may look different from the mainstream. I'm just wondering how much of us we put into religion, and how much is God. Can we even know? Where do we start to try to get to the heart of Jesus?

Straight to hell...

I walked into the doctors office with my mom for her appointment and sat down while she checked in. There was a big television with CNN showing clips of Clinton and Obama, showing their stand on gay marriage.

"Both Obama and Clinton support civil union" the newscaster said. Within seconds I was interrupted by another woman in the waiting room who loudly said to her elderly mother, "Oh my gosh. Our nations going to hell!!" I was confused and saddened. Who knows, maybe our nation is going to hell...but I'm pretty sure it won't be because of our stand on gay marriage.

The sinner at the well?

"And Jesus was trying to tell the Samaritan woman that she needed to get rid of her sin before she could drink the water that would never make her thirsty again. That's the point of what he was doing. Jesus points out our sin, and we have to deal with it first!"

These were only some of the words I heard while listening to the preacher on the radio last night. I was not angry at the words, but I was deeply saddened. They are missing the point. They are missing the beautiful encounter that this woman and Jesus shared. A moment that shouldn't have even happened, by their cultures standards. This encounter was much, much deeper than getting rid of your sins before you can come to God. In fact, I don't see that at all. I see the oposite. I don't have many other thoughts on this, as I am not educated in the story of the woman at the well, but I do know that it just felt wrong.

Survivors Guilt

My boyfriend Wes and I went down to Mexico with our church and our friends Ty and Danny. Our time there was amazing, and I'll probably write more about that specifically later, but for now I want to write about another event that happened on the way home.

On our way up the 15 freeway the truck we were in caught on fire. For a more detailed account of the event check out what Wes wrote here. But to sum it up, we were informed by another driver that our car was on fire, we hopped out, and then in a "blessing" we were not harmed, other drivers stopped to help up and with the "hand of God" a passing fire truck, not on call, finished up the job.

Here's what I'm really struggling with though: After the incident passed and we were on our way back up to the church, we saw two accidents on the freeway, far more harmful than ours. So why were we "blessed" and not the man and woman lying on the freeway pavement. Why did we live and miraculously save everything out of the truck before the flames engulfed the front of the car?

I do not understand the order of this world. In Yarchin's class here at APU (Hebrew Poetical and Wisdom Literature) we talked about consequences and actions in the Bible. In Deuteronomy there are specific rules and specific consequences or blessings that follow and it is NOT addressed as a "This might happen" but a "This WILL happen". What are we suppose to do with this when experience has told us that bad things happen to good people and sometimes blessing and wealth comes from taking advantage of immigrant workers?

We discussed this in class for quite some time and come to the conclusion that the Bible is telling us to critique it. The Bible wants us to say "hmm that's not what I see" and use the minds that God has given us to look at what is in front of us.

So maybe there is no black or white. But that doesn't help me. That just frustrates me. Not always. But in times like these. When I want to know why I didn't die. Why would God chose to save me? Did he close to save me? Did he have any part in it at all? I don't know. Maybe I'm just suppose to accept that this is just the way things are. We can't know why things happen because we can't see the bigger picture. But maybe God can't see the bigger picture either and he holds me and cries with me too and wonders why the man on the freeway had to die.

Clanging Symbols

I played a "game" recently in one of my classes last semester that was based on communicating to different cultures. There were two teams. Both were tribes. The two were split up and given instructions and they knew nothing about the neighboring tribe. All my team knew was that we had a "Bible" and our goal was to be excited and outgoing and tell the neighboring tribe about our God because we believed that God would not come back to get us until the whole earth had heard about Him. When we entered the room we were shocked by the other team. They had a new "language" and they backed away from our personality. We had two very different cultures interacting/ being represented. One was very outgoing and individualistic, the other was cautious and every thing relied on community.

The game was a great way for us to learn about communication through cultures. It took awhile for my team to figure out the other tribes way of life and how to be welcomed, but eventually, with the right attitude and the right questions, our tribes talked together. It wasn't easy and there was alot of frustration for our team. But with time and patience, we got somewhere.

After the game ended we debriefed about it. And something hit me hard. I thought about the team I was on. I thought about how our entire mission in the game as a tribe, was to tell the people about "God". It didn't matter if they believed. Our "bible" told us that as long as they heard about God, God would come back for US.

Then I wondered. Is that how some of the church acts? Instead of sharing and showing the love and peace of God to others because we know the hope and beauty that a relationship with the Creator is....instead.....we do it as a job. It's just something we have to do if we want to look good.

I remember when I was about 13 years old, I felt like I was doing something wrong because I never "lead anyone to Christ". I thought there was something wrong with me because no one had repeated the sinner's prayer with me. Doesn't that just feel weird?

Some people have stopped caring about one another and knowing and sharing life with them. It becomes a goal to save people.

The point of the game in class was to show that you cannot just go into another persons life and think you know everything. It will take time to learn about the people and find out their history...why they are the way they are. It takes time to gain trust. We have to love one another and care about the things that God deeply cares about. We have to clothes the clotheless, feed the hungry and stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. I'm being bold here, but it's just NOT enough to lead someone to Christ and walk out of their life without a care for who they are or where they are going.

To quote one of the best 80's television shows ever created (Scarecrow and Mrs. King), "You can't just walk into my life, hand me a package, tell me you love me, and walk out of my life again."

Maybe you'd have to watch it, but I think it's great. You just CAN'T have relationships like that. When Our Lord returns and we are spending eternity in harmony with Him and with each other, it won't matter so much if you helped 50 people say the sinners prayer. What will matter is the lives that you touched, the Jesus' in disguise that you loved on. If you can love on 50 people and change their lives, then great. But if it's void of love, it means nothing.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." - 1 Corinthians 13:1

A good start is to stop talking and just listen.

Sin

"We all lose a part of our humanity, of our divinity when we sin -- when we betray our sacred relationship with one another or with God. When you sin, you feel awful. Because in many ways you end up knowing that it is not in your best interest, ultimately, and that often someone is going to be hurt by what you do. We often think of sin as a violation of religious or moral law or as an offense against God. But we sin whenever we are less than we could be, when we miss the mark of our potential to be fully lovingand caring human beings. These smaller sins also need forgivness, as of course do the larger violations of another's humanity and holiness."

-- Desmond Tutu, God Has a Dream

You don't know how many times I read and reread that.

Made to love

I had the privlidge of hanging out with a very smart 6 year old boy from the inner city of LA last week. His name was Andrew and he was apart of the VBS we were putting on for the kids in the neighborhood. On the last day of VBS we got into groups of two or so and asked questions about each other so the kids could knowmore about us before we left. Andrew and I didn't end up talking about ourselves as much as we talked about God.

I asked Andrew, "Is there anything you want to ask me?" I was expecting something like "What is your favorite color?" but I got this:

"Why are we learning about God?"

I thought for a moment, trying to put theological terms into kid language.

"Well, we learn about God because he made us and wants us to learn about Him and how to treat other people."

He nodded. Then he looked around. The theme of the VBS was "The Lord's Army", and I didn't really like the theme all that much, but I went along with it because this was about the kids, not me. Then Andrew said,

"Why are we doing the army?"

Good question. "Well, Mr. Maaz thinks that there are some things about the army that are the same about following God."

He looked confused. "Because they die?"

"Well, no....he see's things in the army like respect and compassion and untiy (our three focuses)."

Andrew looked at me, still confused, but nodded. I decided to ask him a question this time.

"What do you think about God?"

"I think he made us so that he could love us."

Jesus was dead

He has risen! Death could not hold its grip on our Savior.

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John 20:1-8

1Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!" 3So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed.

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I spent friday and saterday in mourning for Christ's death. But today, I celebrate. Do you understand the significance? Our Savior didn't remain dead. My redeemer lives! There were and are people who claim to be the Messiah, but they all fail. There was only one who died on the cross and rose 3 days later. Hallelujah! Praise to God!

My boyfriend Wes wrote something beautiful that I want to share and end with:

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Today is the first day of the new week (see John 20:1), the dawn of new creation. Yesterday we were slaves and today we are free for Christ the Lord has risen and defeated the curse of slavery and death. The stone has been rolled away to open up the doors of heaven. The tomb of death has been opened up to a garden of springtime life. No more are we dead in the tomb. We are now alive.

As it goes throughout the Story of God, just the moment you were ready to close the book something miraculous happens. Jesus was supposed to redeem His people and He ends up on a cross. What could God possibly do to get out of this one? Just the time you're ready to close the book and stop reading, something strange happens… Jesus isn't in the tomb. Jesus shows up standing alive and He says to you "Peace be with you" and breathes New Life into you. The victory of God rises out of the death of Jesus in a glorious resurrection.

"Why do you look for the living among the dead?" (Luke 24:5).

Breath deep the breath of New Life for we were dead and now we are alive.

Where there was death, now there is life. Where there was darkness, now there is light. The Tomb is now opened to a magnificent garden; a paradise of peace, for Jesus, the suffering messiah, suffers no more. The sting of death has done its worst but Jesus stands alive in victory's light. "peace be with you!" he calls, for the curse has seen its' last day. Rise and celebrate. It is the first day of the week.

Jesus is dead

(Tonight is Good Friday. This is something hard for me to write. It is hard for me to read each of the gospels and stop at the burial of Jesus. But that is what this post reflects. I wish I could see someone read the story of the Bible for the first time. Someone who doesn’t know what Easter is…and have them read this part. It’s something to reflect on…it is not my belief. I know the story, but I choose tonight and tomorrow to experience the story day by day.)

There is a sadness that hangs in the air. Grief floods my heart.

He was what the Jews had been waiting for. But tonight….tonight he died. He wasn’t the savior. But oh, the things he did! The miracles he performed…I was sure he was the one this time. There have been so many who have claimed to be the Savior…this happens all the time. And I guess it happened again. I was so sure he was the savior. There was something so different about him. But we saw him die. And now we grieve for the man who did so much good. He didn’t deserve to die. He did nothing. I am so confused…I thought he was the one.

God, may we be reminded of Your sacrifice. May we remember the covenant. The body that was broken, and the blood that was spilled, so that we could be in communion...in community, in covenant with You. Thank you.

John 19:18-42

Jesus is crucified

18So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. 17Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). 18Here they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.

19Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross. It read: JESUS OF NAZARETH, THE KING OF THE JEWS. 20Many of the Jews read this sign, for the place where Jesus was crucified was near the city, and the sign was written in Aramaic, Latin and Greek. 21The chief priests of the Jews protested to Pilate, "Do not write 'The King of the Jews,' but that this man claimed to be king of the Jews."

22Pilate answered, "What I have written, I have written."

23When the soldiers crucified Jesus, they took his clothes, dividing them into four shares, one for each of them, with the undergarment remaining. This garment was seamless, woven in one piece from top to bottom.

24"Let's not tear it," they said to one another. "Let's decide by lot who will get it."
This happened that the scripture might be fulfilled which said,
"They divided my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing."^[a] So this is what the soldiers did.

25Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. 26When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," 27and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

The Death of Jesus

28Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 29A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. 30When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

31Now it was the day of Preparation, and the next day was to be a special Sabbath. Because the Jews did not want the bodies left on the crosses during the Sabbath, they asked Pilate to have the legs broken and the bodies taken down. 32The soldiers therefore came and broke the legs of the first man who had been crucified with Jesus, and then those of the other. 33But when they came to Jesus and found that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. 34Instead, one of the soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a sudden flow of blood and water. 35The man who saw it has given testimony, and his testimony is true. He knows that he tells the truth, and he testifies so that you also may believe. 36These things happened so that the scripture would be fulfilled: "Not one of his bones will be broken,"^[b] 37and, as another scripture says, "They will look on the one they have pierced."^[c]

The Burial of Jesus

38Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate's permission, he came and took the body away. 39He was accompanied by Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night. Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds.^[d] 40Taking Jesus' body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs. 41At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid. 42Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.