Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

After a long day of work, Wes came home in the evening. I had just gotten Bonnie to sleep and Henry had been patiently waiting for some snuggles. When Wes came through the door Henry had just gotten into my lap for said snuggles.

“Hey buddy! I missed you today! Can I have a snuggle for a bit?”
“No. I want mommy snuggles.”
“Okay. Can I tell you all the things I love about you? I love that you are kind, I love that you are strong ---”
“Daddy. I don’t love you today. I’ll love you later.”

This could have made Wes sad. Or frustrated. He could have said “Don’t say that, that hurts me.” He could have said “That’s not nice.” He could have just grabbed Henry anyway and made him snuggle. But he didn’t. Do you know what he said?

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

I’ll be here.

No judgement. No shame. No fear. Just love with waiting arms.

Henry was able to sit in that unconditional love. Unafraid. Resting within the air of peace. Knowing that nothing would take away that love. Nothing he could do will make his daddy love him less.

Within a few minutes, if that, he got a big smile on his face.

“Family snuggle?”

He and I ran over to Wes and gave the squeeziest squeeze hugs and smiled and laughed and loved each other.

As the spouse of a pastor I have often been asked if there were any Bible passages that inform or inspire my gentle parenting approach. I honestly hadn’t been able to answer other than overarching biblical themes. But tonight, this one comes to mind.

1 John 4:10, 16-19

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that God loved us. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face God with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.”

Perfect love expels all fear. Our children should not fear us. We won’t be perfect (we aren’t - trust me), but our love should be one that does not shame, does not hurt, does not isolate. Our love should be a deep breath in. And a slow breath out. It should be rest, peace, and without the condition of reciprocity. We love them just because and with abundant overflowing joy.

May we all find this kind of love. May we feel it given to us and may we give it freely away. May we love our children as God loves us.

One Word 2018: Laugh

For several years I have participated in a new years practice of picking one word to orient my life towards for that year. Words in the past have been “Rhythm” “Moments” and “Generous”. Honestly, this year I feel like so many words are needed. Words like :

Breathe.
Mindful.
Intentional.
Laugh.
Explore.

I need them. I need all of them. I need to remind myself do these things. But the one that I need the most, the one that I choose to orient my life towards this year is “Laugh”.

I need to loosen up this year. I need to go with the flow. I have been quick to anger, I have been overwhelmed and stretched thin, and it is showing. I don’t like who I am when I don’t take care of myself. I don’t like the way I react to my children who are just doing the best they can with what they have to give. I want to smile more. I want to laugh more. I want to see my children laugh and join with them.

These years of infectious untamed joy in my children are so special and feel like I am missing them. I need to relax. Let go of some of my expectations. Take time to see the little things. Give myself more time. See the good in my children and name that as often as I can. And do the same for myself.

My son Henry is 4 years old now. He is young, but he is growing so quickly. I remember my sweet boy’s first smile. I remember the first days of his goofy laugh that jiggled his big chunky cheeks. Those giggles filled my heart. They gave me life. There is no greater joy than joining a delirious toddler in a laughing fit over god even knows what. It feels so good to laugh. And the best kind of laughter is the kind you do with others. It brings us together. You can chuckle at something funny when you are alone, but do you remember the kind of laughs that come from deep in your belly? The kind that make you cry. The kind that make your cheeks hurt. The kind that make you almost pee your pants? Those are the ones you do with others. Those are the ones I want to have more of with my family this year.

I don’t expect it to be easy. I know I will fail. But I know it’s what I want, and I will work hard to practice it every day until maybe someday it might come a little easier than it did the day before.

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GOING FORWARD:

1) Practice mindful breathing in those moments I want to react. Remember to pick my battles and connect before I correct.
2) Spend more one on one time with each of my kids. Try a goal of once a week, alternating kids each week. Nothing elaborate, just joining them in something they love.
3) Spend regular time for myself to recharge. I cannot take care of my family if I am not taking care of myself.
4) Create a few new “Family time” traditions or rituals that create space for bonding and laughter.