One Word 2018: Laugh

For several years I have participated in a new years practice of picking one word to orient my life towards for that year. Words in the past have been “Rhythm” “Moments” and “Generous”. Honestly, this year I feel like so many words are needed. Words like :

Breathe.
Mindful.
Intentional.
Laugh.
Explore.

I need them. I need all of them. I need to remind myself do these things. But the one that I need the most, the one that I choose to orient my life towards this year is “Laugh”.

I need to loosen up this year. I need to go with the flow. I have been quick to anger, I have been overwhelmed and stretched thin, and it is showing. I don’t like who I am when I don’t take care of myself. I don’t like the way I react to my children who are just doing the best they can with what they have to give. I want to smile more. I want to laugh more. I want to see my children laugh and join with them.

These years of infectious untamed joy in my children are so special and feel like I am missing them. I need to relax. Let go of some of my expectations. Take time to see the little things. Give myself more time. See the good in my children and name that as often as I can. And do the same for myself.

My son Henry is 4 years old now. He is young, but he is growing so quickly. I remember my sweet boy’s first smile. I remember the first days of his goofy laugh that jiggled his big chunky cheeks. Those giggles filled my heart. They gave me life. There is no greater joy than joining a delirious toddler in a laughing fit over god even knows what. It feels so good to laugh. And the best kind of laughter is the kind you do with others. It brings us together. You can chuckle at something funny when you are alone, but do you remember the kind of laughs that come from deep in your belly? The kind that make you cry. The kind that make your cheeks hurt. The kind that make you almost pee your pants? Those are the ones you do with others. Those are the ones I want to have more of with my family this year.

I don’t expect it to be easy. I know I will fail. But I know it’s what I want, and I will work hard to practice it every day until maybe someday it might come a little easier than it did the day before.

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GOING FORWARD:

1) Practice mindful breathing in those moments I want to react. Remember to pick my battles and connect before I correct.
2) Spend more one on one time with each of my kids. Try a goal of once a week, alternating kids each week. Nothing elaborate, just joining them in something they love.
3) Spend regular time for myself to recharge. I cannot take care of my family if I am not taking care of myself.
4) Create a few new “Family time” traditions or rituals that create space for bonding and laughter.

Bonnie - Our Birth Story

My sweet Bonnie, this is the story of your birth. On the night I went into labor we were watching a movie called "The Little Prince". It is a beautiful story. We were almost finished watching it at 10:30pm when my water broke - which was quite surprising for me! I wanted you to come early, and most of the pregnancy I felt you would, but I had given up that idea because nothing in this pregnancy had gone the way I thought, and you were quite cozy and content in there. I had no signs that you were coming. I called my midwife and let her know what had happened. And she trusted me to come in when I felt ready.

When I got off the phone, I couldn't stop smiling. My baby was coming. I felt my heart fill with peace - something that wasn't always present during this pregnancy. You see, this pregnancy was rough. Not only was I physically sick for more than half of the pregnancy but I was also emotionally and mentally unstable for almost all of it. I was diagnosed with prenatal depression and anxiety. I did not have it before getting pregnant, but from 8 weeks - 8 months I had what often felt like debilitating depression and anxiety. My doctors, midwives and counselor all thought it might be hormone related due to the extra estrogen my body was producing (I think they were right as it almost completely disappeared as soon as you were born). I was also diagnosed with thrombocytopenia - a condition that can happen in 5-7% of pregnancies that causes low platelet levels in the blood. Low platelet levels can cause issues with the blood being able to clot properly. Levels under 100 get refereed to a hematologist. Levels under 90 cannot get an epidural. Levels under 70 are often treated with steroids, and at 50 is where they really worry about the blood not being able to clot. My levels went all the way down to 66. I was so nervous about this, even though it is well managed when the medical team knows the numbers are low. And to add even more onto my stress I was gbs positive which meant I had to get to the hospital earlier than I had wanted in order to receive antibiotics every 4 hours that I was in labor.

But in all this, I had peace and joy.

My contractions started an hour later and we decided to head to the hospital once they were consistent.

On our drive to the hospital I listened to George Winston, my favorite pianist, and continued to listen to his beautiful music throughout. We arrived at 1:00am and by 2:00am I got my first dose of antibiotics and was told I was 4 cm dilated. Since it was the middle of the night I told Wes to sleep. I didn't see anyone else for the next 4 hours until my next dose of antibiotics at 6:00am. Those 4 hours I sat on the hospital bed in the butterfly yoga pose with the lights off. I didn't want to move into any other position. My contractions were getting pretty intense but were never closer together than 8 minutes a part - with many being 12 minutes a part. Although Wes slept, I held his hand and he talked me through the contractions when they were too much for me to get through on my own. The contractions were painful, yes, but they are a beautiful pain. Because each one brings me closer to you.

At 6:00am I was given the dose of antibiotics and was checked again. I was 6 cm and so disappointed to hear that. If things progessed in the same timing as the rest of the labor I didn't know how I could go another 4+ hours with the pain. Oh, and I hadn't even see my midwife yet. She was planning on waiting until the nurses called her when my contractions were closer together or just come in at her regular scheduled arrival time to the hospital at 7:00am.

At 6:45am - 45 minutes after being told I was 6 cm - I had a very intense contraction and my body pushed. At 7:00am my midwife Patty arrived. Did I mention I had not met Patty before? Half way into my pregnancy I switched care because of our move, to a group of 3 midwives and Patty was the last one I needed to meet but just hadn't yet. She was a wonderful and kind spirit as soon as she walked into the room. I promptly told her that at the last contraction I had to push. "Alright! Let me go put my things down and get some stuff together and we can see how things are going."

When she left I had another contraction and could not stop myself from pushing again. My baby, I felt you move down into the birth canal. Patty came back in and I said "I'm so sorry. I pushed again!" She laughed and said "That's ok! Let's check you." When she did, she confirmed what I knew - I was 10 cm and you were there and I was ready to push. "We're going to have this baby now." She said as she looked into my eyes. This woman exuded compassion and wisdom and connection. "When you push I want you to look at me and keep looking at me. I will help guide you in your pushes. You can push whenever your body tells you to."

I pushed two times. On that last push, at 7:34am, you were born. As I pushed I reached down and pulled you out and brought you to my chest. You were so peaceful. You didn't cry, you just stared at me. My heart grew a million times bigger in those first moments with you. Every thing else faded away. Daddy kept trying to get my to pick your name (since we went into the birth with 3 names) but I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to look at you. You nursed right away and perfectly and we got to spend an hour of skin to skin with you before they weighted you. 7lbs 4 oz, 20 inches long. Your daddy was instantly in love with you, and of course let you stay on my chest for awhile, but he could not wait to hold you and talk to you.

Bonnie Irene Ellis, you are so special. You are 2 weeks old now and I feel like you've been with me my whole life. We love you so much and we have loved you before we even knew you. My pregnancy was hard. So very hard. It was awful. But you, my sweet, are good. You are peace. And you are love.

Bonnie Irene - How You Chose Your Name

Naming this baby was anything but easy! When we were pregnant with Henry we picked his name about half way through the pregnancy and even announced his name to the world before he was born. With Henry, it wasn't really that we both just "knew" his name - it's just that we do not agree at all on boy names. We went through so SO many names that each one of us would immediately veto. Once we found one we both liked, Henry was named!

But with girl names we are the exact opposite. We BOTH liked the same 20 names on a list we made. 20 names!!! Eventually we got down to 6 names and stayed there for many, many months. I just couldn't decide. Every time I would take a name off the list, I would miss it and add it back. I really liked them all, and no one name jumped out at me as hers. They were all special to me and meant something particular. We eventually decided to take 3 names into the birth with us and hope that seeing her helped.

One of these names was Bonnie Irene.

Bonnie was on the list very early on. Both Wes and I loved the sweetness and simplicity of the name. We loved that it was a name people were familiar with but that wasn't used often. We loved the nickname Bo. It went nicely with the style of Henry's name. We even interviewed a friend named Bonnie on her name and how she liked it! It was one of the names that Wes favored the most from the very beginning.

I will elaborate in our birth story just how difficult this pregnancy had been, but it was not easy. A few months before she was born I was writing in a journal about how awful things had been emotionally and physically for me "But my daughter," I wrote "she is good."

Bonnie means "Good."

For a while I thought that maybe the way she was born might help narrow down her name. My birth with her turned out to be quick, uncomplicated, beautiful and calm. When I grabbed her and pulled her to my chest she just stared at me. She didn't cry. She just looked into my eyes. She was so peaceful.

Irene means "Peace."

Irene is also, more importantly, my wonderful Aunt Debi's middle name (and my great grandma's middle name as well). There is no one more perfect as my daughters name sake. Anyone who knows her can tell you how sweet, loving, caring and very silly my Aunt Debi is. She is someone I have always felt loved by. I have always felt I could trust. She has lifted me up when my depression and anxiety seemed to take over my life, and she has lifted me with joy as we have shared countless memories of laughter. She is someone I want my daughter to have as a quietly powerful woman to look up to. To remind her that love is not aggressive or manipulative but patient and kind. I love my Aunt Debi more than I can say, and I know how much my daughter will love her too.

I took about an hour after she was born to officially name her, but I knew right when I saw her. Together one interpretation of her first and middle name is "Beautiful Peace" or "Good Peace" and really, she named herself.

Birth Body

I'm coming to terms with my post birth body. We were at odds for a bit.

After I had Henry, the first time I got up in the hospital to walk, I knew this body was different now. And as weeks went on and I healed, I still noticed that this body isn't the one I knew before. All my bones and joints felt different. My hips felt literally stretched out. I even walked differently! It took so long to get use to the one I had before (Yes, "skinny girls" wish they had different bodies too. We all want what we don't have! I wanted those curves, girl!), and now I had to get to know this one too.

Most women have scars and stretch marks after birth. But some how they are still "shameful". People are terrified they will get them, and are mortified when they show up. BUT IT'S NORMAL!

I read this article http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html?m=1 and WOW. I began to see my body differently. I hated my post birth body. My stretch marks are mostly on my breasts, and one in particular. They aren't pretty. The marks on my left breast cover the sides and all underneath and will peek through if I wear anything low cut. There go the days of bikinis on the beach! I know I am blessed in the weight department. All the weight I gained was the baby and as soon as he was out, so was the weight. Cool I suppose. Everyone comments on it. "You don't look like you had a baby!" But I do underneath what you can't see. I bear the marks of a baby who lived inside of me. I have a small section on my side that has stretch marks from where I kept him safe and warm inside my body which doesn't bother me at all, and the majority of the scars on my breasts after he came into this world as I fed him with this body that God made.

A couple of months after my baby was born, and I was still down every time I looked at my body, I asked my husband to take pictures of my stretch marks as a way for me to heal and process them. And it was healing for me. I didn't just want to take pictures of the scars, but I wanted to take pictures of them with my baby next to them, as a reminder of the breathe taking creation they came from.

                       

So why do I feel like I need to share these publicly? I could just have them for myself for my own personal healing. But I guess I just want others to know it's okay. My body is perfect. Your body is perfect. I want to be another voice to eradicate the media's ideal of a perfect body. All bodies are beautiful. Especially when I think that these particular scars are directly tied to the birth and life of my son.

You may have more or less scars than I do. You may have a lot more. But this is my story. No one is more or less fortunate in their post birth bodies. They just are. And they are beautiful because they carried LIFE.

Look, I don't LIKE them. But they are mine. These scars are a part of my story. They will stay with me. They remind me of the journey we took as a family, growing and preparing for this baby to join us. They tell me I am strong. They tell me I am patient. They tell me I am loving. They tell me I am mom.

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I wrote the above post 2 years ago. I have written many versions of it but I wasn't quite ready to share it. But I am now. And when I look at these pictures 2 years later and see that gorgeous start of a smile on my sons face, the scars fade away. And just as a reassurance to some, all those scars faded away. You can still feel them, but you can't see them anymore. The ones on my side are special to me as they are so close to where I carried my child. When my hand accidentally brushes up against them I am reminded of those days when I pondered if I could ever love him as much outside the womb as I did inside. Well of course I love him more outside but it's still a very special thing, those months with your baby so very close, just you and them, growing together. Our bodies are weird. And strong. And precious. And bad-A. Be kind to that body. Learn to love that body. It is yours. It is not perfect. But it IS perfect.

Down to the River to Pray - A Self Weaning Journey

My sweet babe has begun to self-wean. I have been asking my husband Wes to take pictures because very soon, any day now, I will look back and realize it was the last day I nursed him. So I am cherishing these moments. Remembering the long nights of nursing every 45 minutes during a growth spurt. Nursing to sleep every nap and every night and every wake before the sun came up (until just a few weeks ago).

For those unfamiliar with breast feeding beyond a year, it is commonly referred to as extended breastfeeding. The World Health Organization recommends "Exclusive breastfeeding up to 6 months of age, with continued breastfeeding along with appropriate complementary foods up to two years of age or beyond." There is no real number for when a child is ready to wean on their own, but it's generally going to be between 2 and 3 years old. 

Extended breastfeeding looks much different from the early days of nursing, but it is still very important for the toddler as well. We often see breastfeeding as purely nutritional—only nurse to feed the baby—but nursing is calming, centering, and soothing too. My child will nurse when he falls down, when he's having a tantrum, or when he is overwhelmed and just wants to be close. I am a centering figure for him to look towards to feel confident and independent and curious and adventurous. And I am blessed to be that. I know not everyone is able to breast feed, for various reasons, but if you can breast feed—do it! It is messy, it is frustrating, it is beautiful, and it is glorious. Now my child is finishing this journey. And all children do. I am so thankful that I’ve been able to wait until he is ready to wean on his own.

It is a hard journey to breast feed. It is one of the most tangible ways a mother gives of herself. It is giving your body up to nourish that precious baby who needs you to live. What a wonderful gift that is. An amazing thing to go through...my body sustains life! I remember being pregnant and thinking "Yeah, sure I'll breastfeed. It's cheap - it's FREE." (If you know the penny-pincher I am, this shouldn't surprise you). I had no idea. I had no idea the power it would give me. The love it would trigger. The bond it held together. The sisterhood it created.

I could not have gone through this journey had it not been for the amazing women who came along side me, who told me it was okay to text them at 3am if I didn't know what to do (and I did text them!), who skyped me and watched me nurse and helped me position my baby in a more comfortable way to promote a better latch—the women who came over the week after his birth and listened to me cry because it hurt and because I didn't know if he was getting enough—and the women who told me it was okay to nurse as long as both my child and I wanted to. (Thank you. All of you. You know who you are).

A few weeks ago, on Christmas Day, my family was sitting around and singing (as we often do). My brother and Aunt and I started singing "Down to the River to Pray" and we began to sing the verse that says:

"O Mothers let's go down

Let's go down, come on down

O Mothers let's go down

Down to the river to pray"

Just as I started singing the words, my sweet baby came up to me and asked to nurse. I cradled him in my arms and sang these powerful words about mothers as I looked into the eyes of my child. Love overflowed in my heart and tears welled up in my eyes. Everything else faded away as I sang about mothers while participating in a part of motherhood that is as old as they come. That ancient practice that connects child and mother to one another. It was as if the voices of those women of the past enveloped me with love and courage, swirling around me, binding us all together in beautiful harmony.

That night I felt incredible joy as I reflected on my story of breast feeding and the community of women who surrounded me in love and wisdom. I have had a beautiful breast feeding journey. Everyone's journey is different. And this is mine. 

Just a few days old

Look at those eyes!

Look at dat latch! :O

One of my favorites - a candid shot

Beautiful Photoshoot I got to be apart of for Breastfeeding Awareness
taken by the amazing Kristy Powell
(Henry and I are on the far right)

Self Portrait for World Breast Feeding Week

All the laughs

My happy boy

Early morning hammock nursing - relaxing!

I call this "Selfies and Nursies"

More Selfies and Nursies

Most recent (and probably last) picture of Henry nursing

"I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always
As long as I'm living my baby you'll be"

Because I'm Happy

"We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do."
"Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love."
“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
- Mother Teresa 

My 8-month-old son can't do much right now, but there is one thing he does better than anyone I've ever known - this boy can SMILE. If Henry had a theme song it would most definitely be "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. Henry's love is contagious and infectious. He is so small, but his joy is so big.

Yesterday our church participated in a service project where we were sent in groups to do different things - serve in a soup kitchen, install new carpeting at a local school, and pack school bags to be sent to children in need. Wes, baby Henry, and I were asked to go with a group of people to sing hymns at a local assisted living center. 

Henry has a thing for old people. One could argue that Henry loves everyone, but we've noticed he has a special love for those older and wiser ones among us - and they love him something fierce right back. So hearing about the opportunity to serve at an assisted living facility seemed great for Henry! But to be honest, I wasn't looking forward to it.  Old people have always kind of scared me. They are fragile. And they can't hear you. And what are you suppose to talk about? And sometimes old people are mean! But this wasn't about me. This was about Henry.

As soon as he walked through the door he put on that Henry charm! As we sang, he distracted several older patients with his smiles, and they were delighted. My eyes welled up with tears at one point as he literally lit up the room. People who looked so sad a moment ago could gaze at my boy and feel joy. People wanted to touch him and talk to him...he made them feel alive. It was worth my discomfort to see their smiles. Needless to say, I have a feeling we will be taking him back to visit again. 

My sweet baby is already an inspiration to me. He reminds me of the important things in this world (and the important people). All we really need is to be present with one another. That is the beauty of grace and love. We don't have to do anything - we just have to be willing to BE with each other. 

I want my son to always know that before he could do anything else - before his words or any other kind of action - his smiled changes lives. Some day when he has nothing to say and doesn't know what to do, I want him to remember that he can smile, and maybe that's all he needs to do. 

Being Kinda Crunchy

If you've never heard the term "crunchy" in relation to parenting/birth (like I hadn't before a couple of years ago) let me give you some context before you keep reading.

"Crunchy" or "Granola" are ways people identify a certain type of lifestyle/parenting style. It's very natural, holistic, and often child led. Check out this website for a general overview of what a crunchy parent might look like from the blog "Pistachio Project".

I definitely identify with this crunchy lifestyle, but...I'm not all the way crunchy. I'm just kinda crunchy. I pick and chose what works best for us. But being only kinda crunchy sometimes makes it hard to feel like you fit. I'm not one extreme or the other, so I can get flack on both sides for not being enough like them.

I honestly believe that each family is so unique. We as parents and people are vastly different, and you're also throwing in a baby who is also beautifully different than any other baby. No one set of philosophies will work for your special family. The most important thing about finding a parenting style or choice for your family, is to INCLUDE THE WHOLE FAMILY! Look at the needs of every one in the family, and listen to the thoughts of your partner. It was crucial for me to include Wes in our decision making so we all felt comfortable with what was happening.

Here's a list of where I'm crunchy, and where I'm not. Every family has to choose what works for them, and here's why we choose the things we do. (And as a note, all of these are fluid. As parenting should be!)

My Crunchy Side:

I Exclusively Breastfeed
We exclusively breastfeed and feed on demand. Henry has always been quite good at letting us know when he is hungry, and now at 6 months is even starting to sign "milk" to us! (I'm one proud mama!) We choose to listen to the one whose tummy is telling him he needs more milk, not to a set schedule. We will also nurse as long as both mama and baby are happy doing it. When one or both of us are done, we will end it. We may extend breastmilk (even if it's in a sippy cup and not in the form of actual nursing) longer than maybe what is the "norm" (that seems to be the 1 year mark) because of Henry's dairy allergy too. I feel SO BLESSED that I only need my husband to watch our baby for 5 of my 30 hours of work a week (two days split into 2.5 hours - the rest of time I get to take Henry with me!) so he doesn't even need a bottle! I just nurse right before I leave, and nurse again when I get back! I don't even remember the last time Henry had a bottle....

I love Babywearing
I wear the heck outta this baby!! It is a godsend for him and I, as I get to take him to work with me as a nanny. He naps about 3-4 times a week right there in my ergo. It makes walks fun, and keeps him close to me if we are out and about. Did you also know that babies who are worn don't need to have as much tummy time? Henry has always had excellent neck strength and I credit the ergo carrier!

We Have a Family Bed
I wasn't planning on a family bed before our sweet one was born but for us, right now, it just makes sense. Henry has dealt with so many allergic reactions as we were trying to find out what he was allergic to, that he wakes up very very often in the night with pain from itchy skin or painful gas - and that's on top of still nursing every 2 hours. It made sense to keep him as close as possible to comfort him - and I love it! (And so does he! He's a very social people person, so he enjoys that close touch) We will slowly and gently transition him into his own crib when the time is right, but for now we all safely co-sleep together.

I Chose to Have an Unmedicated Birth and Use Midwives
I wanted to try and have a natural unmedicated birth, and in the end, that's what I got. And I do want to note that I left it open to mine and my midwife's discretion to suggest an epidural if we felt it was appropriate, and if I hadn't been 10 cm and ready to push when I got to the hospital I may have had one (it was tempting, guys). We chose to deliver at the local hospital with a midwife, which before getting pregnant I would have never even thought about doing! But I am so SO SO thankful to have used our midwife group. They were so gentle yet strong, and caring and such advocates! I am so glad I was able to have my son unmedicated and would do it a million times over. It changed me in ways I have no words for.


My Not-So-Crunchy Side:

We Use Disposable Diapers
I thought about cloth diapers, and even acquired some free used ones from a friend, but in the end after talking it over with my husband, it just made sense in our family to use disposables. I can barely keep up housework at all and I just knew with my personality those dirty cloth diapers would be sitting in that wet bag for weeks....and that's just gross :)

I Don't Make My Own Baby Food (yet?)
I am extremely awesome at being a mom, okay? But there is literally no one worse than me at being domestic. I can barely microwave food without messing it up. Wes is the cook in our family (Thank God I found you!!) and for now I'm not interested in making our own pureed baby food, (except for banana and avocado, cause even I can do that one). I may change my mind on this later (because I was given a baby food maker recently), but for now we get Earth's Best organic baby food and that's good enough for us :)

We Vaccinate on Schedule
I know this can be a controversial conversation, but we feel it is important to vaccinate on schedule with the national recommendation from the American Academy of Pediatrics and felt that it was best for our family based on research we did. We will though be having a conversation at our next appointment to see if any of the vaccines have egg in them, as that is Henry's biggest allergy, and see if that will be an issue. (I didn't even know that some vaccines had egg in them until I found out about Henry's allergy!!)

Moments

Last year I participated in One Word 365 in picking one word for the year. Last year my word was "Generous". Their website (oneword365.com) says it best:

"Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.
It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your word will shape you and your year. It will guide your decisions and help you grow. Discover the big impact one word can make. One word. 365 days. A changed life."
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The last few months of last year, as my sweet son has come into our lives, I have been bombarded with the word "moment". Live in the moment. Cherish this moment. This moment won't last forever. Last year it took a while for me to pick my "one word" but this year the word seemed to pick me. 

My sweet baby boy is now almost 10 weeks old as I write this. In those first few weeks of his life I was utterly exhausted (No surprise right? Sleep deprivation is the inevitable christening of parenthood). Those midnight feedings...oh God...they were hell to me. Saying that I love sleeping is an understatement. I freaking LOVE to sleep. I use to tell people I'd be totally happy if I could sleep all the time and just dream about the real world. My bed was my happy place. I love sleep. And my son had other plans. Henry nursed every single hour for the first 3 weeks of his life. And the next few weeks it was every hour and a half. And then every 2 hours, and finally at almost 10 weeks old, he has stretched his feedings out to every 3 hours. If you would have told me a year ago that I would REJOICE over only having to wake up every 3 hours I would have laughed at you. I knew a new baby would wake up to fed at night...but...I had no idea it was like THIS. I am beyond elated right now that (for now) my son wakes up at 12:30, 3:30 and 6:30. But this is not what I want to write about.

In those early days of nursing every hour, I was angry.  I was angry at my baby. I was so desperate for sleep that after feeding at 1:00am, when 2:00 would roll around and he would be screaming, I would get so close to his face and I would shush and shush and shush and say "Please go to sleep, please go to sleep. I just want to sleep" over and over. Wes would often "rescue" me and without a word, just take him out of my arms and leave the room. Motherhood is hard. Sometimes we do things and think things we wish we didn't. And I am sad that I wasted so much time trying to shush my boy. 

I have followed Megan Tietz over at SortaCrunchy for several years now, and picked up her book "Spirit-Led Parenting" when I found out I was pregnant. During those tough first weeks I opened up her book and read the chapter on sleep. The words that Megan and co-author Laura wrote spoke straight to my heart.

"In truth, our roles as parents do not end in late evening and pick up again when the sun rises. The way we parent our children at night is just as crucial to their development as the way we parent in the day time hours." 

"...could I possibly conceive of the idea that these moments alone in the dark and quiet at night were a gift from [God]?...Rather than viewing these little interruptions at night as exhausting drudgery and empty sacrifice, perhaps I could use them as pockets of solitude and prayer and scripture meditation...The nights that once held heartache now held the promise of peace and the comfort of communion with [God]." 

"...these new baby days (and nights) do not last forever, and there is more rest just around the corner... and there is a part of you that will someday miss sitting in your cozy recliner in the nighttime stillness with a baby snuggled up in your arms...you may find yourself drawing your little one just a bit closer to you in that big chair, thanking God for the gift of that moment."

I began to challenge myself in those awful midnight feedings. Instead of dreading them - being on Facebook while I nursed my baby, trying to pass the time quickly, I began to stop and pray. Staring at his sweet face, noticing that his eyelashes are growing. Seeing a milk-drunk sleep smile as he unlatches. Thanking God for this beautiful boy, thanking God for this moment that I have with him. I will never have this moment, right here, ever again. In this little routine of midnight feedings, with just one small change in my thinking, I have actually begun to enjoy these times. And so now those moments I use to hate have become moments I love and hold dear to my heart. 

I have a song that I sing to Henry almost every day. It's a song from the 70's that my sister found when I was pregnant. "This song is for Henry!" she told me as she showed me this video. And it is. The words are simple and sweet: "If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing you a morning golden and new. I would make this day last for all time, give you a night deep in moonshine" The whole song repeats this refrain. I've been singing this song to him since before he was born, and it is the perfect reminder to me to cherish these moments. 

Click here to listen to the song.

Warning: this song is epically 70's. I sing it to him in a much more acoustic and folksy way ;)

So for this year I want to focus on the moments. Not only to be present in the sweet and easy day time moments but to cherish the ones I don't even yet realize are moments I won't want to forget (like the way he may wake up crying, but I'm the one who knows exactly how to comfort my child and make him feel so loved).  

So my one word is MOMENTS. And I don't want to miss a single one. 

Henry after nursing in the middle of the night.

Henry Wayne - Our Birth Story

This is my birth story. A sacred journey. A hard and laborious journey. A joyous journey. Our story.

To start at the beginning, we had decided pretty early on in the pregnancy to use midwives and have the baby at the Princeton/Plainsboro hospital. Throughout the pregnancy and going to our prenatal visits and birthing classes, we fell in love with our midwife group. They were 4 wonderful women whose only goal was to care for you and empower you to do whatever you wanted to and to help educate you in those decisions. They were all so warm and caring and made us both feel so comfortable.

I was pretty flexible in what I wanted for the labor and delivery: I knew I wanted to try to have the baby unmedicated, but I was also not opposed to an epidural if I felt I needed one. For that reason, Wes and I discussed creating a code word, that only he and I knew, that meant "I'm not joking around, I want an epidural." and we asked in our written birth plan that no nurses offer it to me - I would let them know if I wanted one. Our code word was "Barry Bonds" cause…you know…he cheated by taking steroids… ;)

I went to sleep friday night Oct. 25th smiling at Wes. I said to him "Our baby is coming soon!" (as I had lost the mucus plug 2 days earlier) but I had no idea it would be early that next morning. A few nights before I went into labor I remember pondering the impending birth. I felt an incredible sense of peace and calmness about labor and delivery. "Maybe I'm just naive," I kept telling Wes "But I don't feel scared or nervous about this. I just feel so much peace around me."

At 3:00am I woke to my water breaking. I rushed to the bathroom and yelled "Wes! I'm pretty sure my water just broke!!" "It did?!" He said half asleep. I got our midwife group on the phone and Ursula was on call at that time. "Do you have contractions?" she asked. "Not yet." "Well, try to get a few hours of sleep and call back when your contractions start. You need your energy!"

I got about an hour of sleep before my contractions started at 4:00am. They were very mild at that point so I nudged Wes "Hey…my contractions started…but go back to sleep." (I knew I needed him to have energy to help me when they started getting difficult.) I rested but timed my contractions for 2 hours before waking Wes up. At that point the contractions were still very manageable but I needed help timing them. They were roughly 8 minutes a part lasting for 45 seconds and as the time went on became very inconsistent. 5 minutes a part, 8 minutes a part, 10 minutes a part, 6…ect. We were told by our midwives throughout the pregnancy to wait until the contractions were 5 minutes a part lasting for a minute for 2 hours before coming into the hospital - they are big advocates that you are most comfortable in your home so to stay there as long as possible if you want a natural birth.

Soon after my 6:00am contractions, I tried laboring in different rooms and in different positions but eventually found my sweet spot: I labored a good 8 hours in our master bathroom. I stacked all our pillows up and leaned over it with my arms crossed to lay my head on, and was on my knees. We called it my "birthing fort".

The Birthing Fort

At each contraction, I swayed back and forth and instinctually made tonal sounds to get through the contractions (Wes said later that he considered recording the sounds because he said "they sounded pretty" and later, after my boy was born, I whispered to him "I sang you out") with each contraction getting stronger I would tell myself that each one would bring me closer to my baby. It was actually quite amazing, because at times I could actually feel my baby wiggle and move into position. We were doing this together. It is such a beautiful miracle that my body and my baby know what to do. I just had to trust both.

Wes was a phenomenal partner for me during labor, and I have never felt closer to him. He would sweetly guide me through each contraction. At this point from about 10:30am - 12:00pm the contractions were 5 minutes a part lasting for a minute so he knew as he was keeping track of them what the time frame would be. He would gently tell me at the 30 second mark "Okay, you are half way done, you can do this," and as it neared the minute mark he would say "You are almost done. Do you feel it trailing off? It's fading away now…" Our rhythm and routine of getting through these contractions made it easy to cope, even though the pain was increasing. Around 12:00pm the contractions started to become inconsistent again ranging from 3 minutes a part to 8 minutes a part but mostly 5 minutes a part so I had Wes call our midwife (Carolyn was now the midwife on call) and told her the timing of the contractions and that we were thinking about heading to the hospital because the pain was increasing to where it was almost unbearable. "Well…" she said "If your goal is an unmedicated birth I'd really like her to stay there longer…until they are 3 minutes a part consistently. Why don't you try getting into your bath and see if that helps."

I had heard over and over again that for the first birth, you should expect to labor for 24 hours, and I had known several recent births that went 30+ hours. I kept thinking to myself "If I get to the hospital and I am only a few centimeters dilated, I really want an epidural" if only for endurance sake. I was coping well, but at that point I had only been in labor for 9 hours. I couldn't imagine twice or three times as long.

I wasn't particularly happy about hearing that she wanted me to stay home longer, as the pain was increasing, but Wes drew me a bath as I worked through a few more contractions. I got into the tub and after a few minutes the next contraction came…and I NEEDED TO PUSH. I actually had to stop my body from pushing because it instinctually starting bearing down. "Uhhh Wes…I think I have to push." Wide eyed he said "DON'T DO THAT!" I had another contraction with same feeling of needing to push. Wes called the midwife and told her about my urge to push. "Why don't you just come on down then." she said. As I started to get out of the bath I said our code word. "Wes, I'm Barry Bondsing it right now. If she checks me and I'm only 4 centimeters, I want an epidural." "Ok…" Wes said. Though he says now he didn't believe me. I had labored through contractions for 9 hours peacefully at home, and we were now headed off to the hospital.

Yeah…Barry Bonds….

At 1:00pm we arrived. After some difficulties getting registered in at the hospital, finally at 1:30pm my midwife arrived. She had me lay on the hospital bed to check my dilation. "Amanda..." she said, "You are fully dilated" My eyes got big. "I am?!" "Yep, you are 10cm, station 2 and I feel your baby. You don't have to breathe through your contractions anymore. You can push any time you want." I was able to push when I wanted, as many times as my body felt like it needed to, and hold it as long as my body wanted to. The midwife trusted my body, and so did I.

Carolyn, our midwife, was so wonderful! Her words were so encouraging, telling me that each push was moving my baby closer. She would shout "beautiful!" at my pushes, and it made me feel like I was so powerful!

My baby and I worked together, and I pushed for an hour before my sweet boy was born at 2:48pm. 11 hours after my contractions started. They put him immediately on me, skin to skin. I had my eyes closed as I pushed that last push, so for a minute after they laid him on me I still had them closed, just feeling him in my arms. I opened them and saw those sweet eyes looking up at me. "Hi, baby." I whispered to him over and over again. I also kept looking at Wes and saying "I did it!" it utter disbelief. Henry barely cried when he came out, he really just grunted and whimpered, which he still does now at 5 week old. I was able to have Henry on my chest for 45 minutes, and many of the newborn procedures were done while I held him.

My birth was such a beautiful experience. I knew I wanted to try to have him naturally, but in the back of my head I was never sure of myself. But I did it. We did it. All three of us. My birth has changed me in ways I still can't articulate. I felt empowered and confident. I was able to let go of the fear of child birth, and see that it is the best pain I could ever go through. It was perfect. And it was the best day of my life.

My sweet boy

Henry Wayne Ellis 7lbs 10oz 19.75in

The day we were released from the hospital

My Child

If you don't already know,. I am pregnant. And being pregnant, for me, is one of the best things I've ever been able to experience. As hard as pregnancy can be (and mine has had some rough patches so far) there is more joy and wonder than anything. And I would endure it forever for this baby.

I asked a friend of mine who was over due at the time, what it was like. "It's like waiting to see the face of your best friend." And being 25 weeks pregnant, I feel the same. This child has become a part of me. He is a friend I have yet to meet. I don't know anything about him, but I love him more than I have loved anything in this world. How can that even happen?! I have never seen him, and yet I would give my life for him.

My child,
I love you.
Before you have done anything.
Before your ups and downs
and before mine.
I love you.
Nothing could ever take it away,
because it was here before you even began.
I love you,
My child. 

Be Generous

Last year I followed Megan over at SortaCrunchy pick "one word" to guide her year instead of a traditional new years resolution. She is doing it again this year with the word "serve", and so is my friend Alyssa over at All Things Beautiful picking the word "seek".


If you haven't heard of picking a word for 2013  but want to, you still have time! It's actually something that quite a few people are doing. And by now you might have given up on those resolutions you made a month ago anyway, so join with me! It's a wonderful way to focus on one positive thing you want to be this year. Their website (oneword365.com) says it best:

"Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.
It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your word will shape you and your year. It will guide your decisions and help you grow. Discover the big impact one word can make.
One word. 365 days. A changed life."


Now look, I know it's February, but I spent most of December and January thinking about what word I wanted to use and nothing felt right! Then all of the sudden it came like a gentle whisper:  "Be generous".

I desperately want to be more generous, but it's going to have to be a conscious decision each day. I know this is a problem area for me, as I hold so tightly to money. Money sucks, okay?! It comes with anxiety and depression. People often judge you on how you spend your money.  I KNOW it's hard for me, and I tend to beat myself up saying "Stop being so controlling." and "Stop being so consumed with money." But I think I need to stop telling myself what NOT to do, and start saying the positive:  "Be generous". It's so much more freeing to see the beauty of what can be, rather than the ugly of what has been done.

I just don't want money to rule me anymore. I want to see a need and feel freedom in faith that if I meet the need of someone else, I will still be taken care of too. I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm afraid I won't be taken care of. I've put my own well being over someone else, without faith that God won't let me fall.

What would my life look like if I just stopped being so afraid?

I'm not saying be frivolous with money. No, we still need to be responsible adults! But what would it look like if we started actually budgeting and allowed a "generous" fund? Putting aside a fraction a month and seeing where it takes us.

Now, when I say I want to be generous, I'm not just talking monetarily, but that's a big one for me. I want to be generous by being intentional. Being generous with my time when I notice my neighbor is having a bad day and just needs to talk. Generous with my food, by making a meal for a friend whose having a hard week. I just want to have a giving heart. An open heart. A seeking heart.

I use to pray a prayer almost every day in high school that went like this:

"Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to the needs of those around me, and may I meet those needs as best as I can. "

What if I started praying this again each day when I woke up? Would it change the way I saw the events of my day? Probably! I can't see how it would make it worse. When we center ourselves each day and point ourselves in a certain direction, it will subconsciously guide us. Our hearts will be more aware of the opportunities to carry out what we want to do and be.

Trust me, this is not easy! I've literally had to say to myself "Be more generous" in situations where I would normally clutch tightly to my wallet or my watch. But I want to try. I want to try to be generous this year. Will you join me in this journey?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going Forward

1) Pray the "needs" prayer when I wake up in the morning. "Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to the needs of those around me, and may I meet those needs as best as I can. "

2) Write the word "generous" all over my house! As many reminders as possible (Mirror, fridge, door).

3) Start budgeting in envelopes, Dave Ramsey style, and have an envelope titled "be generous."

4) Listen to the prayer requests at church each Sunday and pick one that I feel drawn to and imagine how it would look to be generous in that situation.

A Look At 2012

12 highlights of 2012!

1. New Years Resolution:
This isn't a highlight of 2012, but I feel the need to get this out in writing! One of my goals this year is to blog more regularly, but more importantly, blog about substantial subjects! I really want to be intentional about my topics. I don't want to write just to have something on my blog. It has to mean something to me! (I have one brewing at the moment so keep an eye out!)

2. Netflix fun:
Fringe!!! Breaking Bad!!! We had a lot of fun with Fringe and Breaking Bad this year. I particularly enjoyed Fringe, and partly because I'm not always a sci-fi girl, but the character development and relationships are outstanding, and the way they tie in each episode is so interesting! So worth watching!

3. Most fun with currently running TV:
"Once Upon A time". OMG I love it. Best show on TV right now! The reason I know it's so good is because I can't even remember the last show I cared about enough to watch it as it airs. The character development of this show is phenomenal and it's just plain FUN to follow some of my beloved fairy tale characters.

4. Skincare love:
My current skincare routine, and my favorite one of the year, is using Alba's organic Acnedote facial wash followed by a home made toner of apple cider vinegar, water and green tea. Oh my word. It has done wonders!

5. Favorite Quote:
"It's hard to let go anything we love. We live in a world which teaches us to clutch. But when we clutch we're left with a fistful of ashes." - Madeleine L'Engle

Ugh, I was absolutely obsessed with this quote earlier in the year. I even wrote it out and hung it on my mirror for a time. So, so poignant and such a strong symbol for me personally. Love her. So much.

6. Favorite album:
My favorite album as a whole this year has to be a tie between "The Lumineers" and "The Head and the Heart" These are fantastic, and I love each and every song! I really enjoy the authentic and raw sound of these bands, and they just make me feel good! Some of my favorite songs are "Ho Hey", "Stubborn Love" (Lumineers) and "Ghosts" and "Winter Song" (Head and the Heart). So amazing.

7. Favorite Music Discoveries:
This year has been wonderful for my music loving soul! Some of these are not new to the music scene, but were new to me this year and I am in love!! Sia, Shovels and Rope, Of Monsters of Men, Noah Gunderson, Young the Giant, Dawes, The Civil Wars, Gregory Alan Isakov, Holly Pulliam, and Lost in the Trees. Seriously. Listen to all of them. I'm not kidding. Go. Now.

8. Biggest Surprise:
Honestly, the biggest surprise is that I'm not freezing in New Jersey anymore! I guess I just got use to it, and I actually like it! It's very weird for me to say this, but I'm looking forward to our first real snow storm! I know, I know, I say that NOW before it has happened, but I'm hoping I still love it as much as I love the idea of it.

9. Most enjoyable travel:
Our road tip/move out to Princeton was quite an adventure! Though sad to leave our family, this phase of our lives has turned out to be just what we needed, and the trip out marked the beginning of that new plunge into the unknown. Although it was a tiresome and trying 4 day road trip with our cats in the car, it was something I will always cherish - being able to see this diverse country we live in with the one I love most.

10. Favorite Community Moment:
The hurricane brought our neighbors together in such a powerful and meaningful way. We were forced to be around one another, talk to one another, meet people we wouldn't otherwise meet, feed each other, pray with one another. That week without power, at least for Wes and I, is a cherished moment where we cared for one another and made deep valuable connections with the people around us. 

11. Best use of our home: 
 It's only been 5 or so months since we've moved in, but some highlights for me were: card games with Emily and Jesse the night of the hurricane. Obviously the devastation it left was awful and heartbreaking, but from where we were, it was mild and a fun night filled with laughter. The others I'd say are dinners and game nights too, with new friends Ben and Becca, and Kendra and Travis. Oh! And enchiladas with Brandy, Fransisco and Dolores! I need to invite more people over for dinner, cause apparently I enjoy it! I answered this question in last years high light post, and I just love it. So good to remind ourselves to open our doors to be generous and loving people.

12. Favorite snapshots:

My absolute all time favorite picture of Wes with our niece Emma.

SUCH a great memory: Painting with my grandpa - his original design.

This is where I live!!!! I can't get over how gorgeous it is.