Reflections on Communion - My Baby

Communion is special to me. I have always felt so connected to the gospel story when I receive that sacred sacrament of the body and blood of Christ.

So it was fitting that the week I found out I was pregnant, it was communion Sunday. I was filled with emotion as I received that communion. The body and blood of Christ, this very special eucharist meal, was nourishing this body - my body. It was giving me life, and in turn, it was being passed to my child. I see communion in very physical terms. It is deeply spiritual, but it is also physical for me. So as my body ingested communion that day, I cried, knowing that as this food literally sustains me, it helps my body grow this precious life. I was able to pass that beautiful gift of communion onto my son before he even left my body. I continued to receive communion throughout my pregnancy and it was a cherished time for me. 

Last Sunday was the first Sunday Henry was outside of my womb and in Church on a communion Sunday. I held him close. This moment was special to me. I knew it was special for my husband as well, and he asked to hold him as we walked up to receive the sacraments, but I selfishly shook my head. "I want him this time." I whispered. He can hold him during communion any other time, but this first one - this one is special for me. It was the first time he was really here with us, receiving communion as a family. We had shared that together, just the two of us, for so long and now he would  get to expeiece it with the Church. We walked up and after I received each element, the pastor put her hand on my sweet baby's head and said "Henry, this is the body of Christ broken for you," and the intern next to her proclaimed "Henry, this is the blood of Christ shed for you." It was a beautiful moment I will always hold dear to my heart.

My Child

If you don't already know,. I am pregnant. And being pregnant, for me, is one of the best things I've ever been able to experience. As hard as pregnancy can be (and mine has had some rough patches so far) there is more joy and wonder than anything. And I would endure it forever for this baby.

I asked a friend of mine who was over due at the time, what it was like. "It's like waiting to see the face of your best friend." And being 25 weeks pregnant, I feel the same. This child has become a part of me. He is a friend I have yet to meet. I don't know anything about him, but I love him more than I have loved anything in this world. How can that even happen?! I have never seen him, and yet I would give my life for him.

My child,
I love you.
Before you have done anything.
Before your ups and downs
and before mine.
I love you.
Nothing could ever take it away,
because it was here before you even began.
I love you,
My child. 

Be Generous

Last year I followed Megan over at SortaCrunchy pick "one word" to guide her year instead of a traditional new years resolution. She is doing it again this year with the word "serve", and so is my friend Alyssa over at All Things Beautiful picking the word "seek".


If you haven't heard of picking a word for 2013  but want to, you still have time! It's actually something that quite a few people are doing. And by now you might have given up on those resolutions you made a month ago anyway, so join with me! It's a wonderful way to focus on one positive thing you want to be this year. Their website (oneword365.com) says it best:

"Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.
It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your word will shape you and your year. It will guide your decisions and help you grow. Discover the big impact one word can make.
One word. 365 days. A changed life."


Now look, I know it's February, but I spent most of December and January thinking about what word I wanted to use and nothing felt right! Then all of the sudden it came like a gentle whisper:  "Be generous".

I desperately want to be more generous, but it's going to have to be a conscious decision each day. I know this is a problem area for me, as I hold so tightly to money. Money sucks, okay?! It comes with anxiety and depression. People often judge you on how you spend your money.  I KNOW it's hard for me, and I tend to beat myself up saying "Stop being so controlling." and "Stop being so consumed with money." But I think I need to stop telling myself what NOT to do, and start saying the positive:  "Be generous". It's so much more freeing to see the beauty of what can be, rather than the ugly of what has been done.

I just don't want money to rule me anymore. I want to see a need and feel freedom in faith that if I meet the need of someone else, I will still be taken care of too. I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm afraid I won't be taken care of. I've put my own well being over someone else, without faith that God won't let me fall.

What would my life look like if I just stopped being so afraid?

I'm not saying be frivolous with money. No, we still need to be responsible adults! But what would it look like if we started actually budgeting and allowed a "generous" fund? Putting aside a fraction a month and seeing where it takes us.

Now, when I say I want to be generous, I'm not just talking monetarily, but that's a big one for me. I want to be generous by being intentional. Being generous with my time when I notice my neighbor is having a bad day and just needs to talk. Generous with my food, by making a meal for a friend whose having a hard week. I just want to have a giving heart. An open heart. A seeking heart.

I use to pray a prayer almost every day in high school that went like this:

"Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to the needs of those around me, and may I meet those needs as best as I can. "

What if I started praying this again each day when I woke up? Would it change the way I saw the events of my day? Probably! I can't see how it would make it worse. When we center ourselves each day and point ourselves in a certain direction, it will subconsciously guide us. Our hearts will be more aware of the opportunities to carry out what we want to do and be.

Trust me, this is not easy! I've literally had to say to myself "Be more generous" in situations where I would normally clutch tightly to my wallet or my watch. But I want to try. I want to try to be generous this year. Will you join me in this journey?

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Going Forward

1) Pray the "needs" prayer when I wake up in the morning. "Open my eyes, my ears and my heart to the needs of those around me, and may I meet those needs as best as I can. "

2) Write the word "generous" all over my house! As many reminders as possible (Mirror, fridge, door).

3) Start budgeting in envelopes, Dave Ramsey style, and have an envelope titled "be generous."

4) Listen to the prayer requests at church each Sunday and pick one that I feel drawn to and imagine how it would look to be generous in that situation.

Getting Involved With Church Ministry

We just starting attending a church here in New Jersey a couple of months ago. We had tried several churches since we moved here in August, but they just didn't feel right. We would leave each church saying "Eh...that was good, but something is missing." They weren't bad churches, in fact many were wonderful, thriving churches! But we just kept feeling like there was somewhere else we needed to try. That is until we set foot in Kingston United Methodist Church. The style of liturgy reminded us of home, and there was such a welcoming atmosphere. After the service we both looked at each other in the car and said "Alight. That was really great!" We decided that day to visit KUMC every other week and try a new church in between, but that didn't happen because the second time we visited I knew I didn't want to miss another Sunday.

(As a side note let me just say this: I sound a bit giddy about this church, and I do have wonderful things to say about it, but look, no church is perfect and neither is this one. But the difference is that this is a church we want to struggle alongside with.)

We attended regularly for a couple of months and then quickly started getting involved. We both joined the Christmas Choir, read scripture and I was recruited to help with an alternative gift project for the holiday season. As soon as we began to volunteer, we started feeling more and more "at home". We started making connections with people - the same people we had been quietly sitting alongside during that one hour on Sunday morning. I started to know their names and their hearts. Getting involved helps foster community with people you wouldn't normally be around.

I want to write about this because it is deeply important for me to see people get involved with a church they like, ASAP. I'm pretty passionate about it. Once you've reached that point where you've gone several times and you KNOW that this is where you want to be - DO SOMETHING. I say this because I've personally been involved in ministry at every church I've been at. I see the difference it makes in my life and in the lives of those around me when we reach outside that comfort zone for just a moment, to find our place in the church, bringing God's kingdom close like a kiss.

Of course you can also do wonderful work outside a church community, but there is something so special about sharing life and passions with those you are sharing a space with every week. Becoming involved with the ministries of the church can keep us from being church "consumers". It can help us see that yes, going on Sunday can be nourishing to the soul...but what if it isn't all that nourishing one week. What if it's really boring!? What if the music sucks?! When you have allowed yourself to become a part of something bigger than yourself, you will begin to see the church less as something to obtain or to consume, but more as a place where you are challenged and encouraged to reach outward. It feels good to be a part of something bigger than yourself.

There are SO MANY ways to be a part of a church. Generally the "bigger" ministries are listed on a bulletin each week, or on the church website (usually these include children's, youth, young adult, adult and choir ministries). But these are not the only ways to get involved! Whatever your passion is, THERE IS A PLACE FOR YOU. Getting involved with a ministry can help you find and strengthen those passions. As I started to volunteer at KUMC, the pastor came up to me and thanked me, saying that the skills and talents I had were not his. I was able to bless the church in a unique way. Being a part of the church has made me feel good to be me - the me that I was created to be. It has made me feel confident and caring, loving and kind. You need to know this: you are valuable to the church. Whatever your passion is, however you are being intrinsically you, is needed. It's a place you can be exactly who you are and a place you SHOULD be exactly who you are.

That is the bottom line - this is why you should get involved: we need you. Not for free volunteer labor, but we need YOU. Everything you are. Your passions are unique, your talents, everything you are, good and bad, are exactly what is missing in our ministries. You are precious. You are valuable. You are beautiful. You are loved. Our lives are missing something valuable when you are not sharing life and love with us.

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Going Forward:

- Talk to your pastor to see what ministries are available at your church. Take time to pray over them and see where you feel most lead.

- If you aren't sure of your passions, try taking a strengths test. If you enjoy personality tests as much as I do, this is just a fun way to see what your gifts might be! (Note that none of these will outright tell you that you should volunteer in youth ministry, or with the choir, or behind the scenes doing office work. It's just a guide to see your strengths from a different perspective)

• This link here is for a general strengths aptitude test. For example, my results were "Optimism", "Faith" and "Focus".
• This link here is for a spiritual gifts test. (It says "take our test for free" in the grey box in the left corner) For example, my results were "Mercy", "Faith" and "Discernment".
• This link here is geared more towards teenagers and is very short and a bit more narrowed in the questions. My results were "Encouragement", "Giving" and "Hospitality".

-  Dream big! All passions can be used in the church, even if they seem small. Take a look at your passions for art, crafts, sewing, finance, cooking, board games, reading, writing, music, or dance - and dream about how they can by used to bring God's Kingdom to earth.

Prayer in the Midst of Anxiety

Loving and peace-giving God,
I so desperately desire that "peace that passes all understanding". My heart has been so full of anxiety and pain, and I know You aren't a genie, but I know You ARE life giving. I just want it to go away. I want to feel confident that this will pass...that I am always going to make it through. I know in my heart that I can stay strong, but my mind has a harder time believing it.


May I have peace, God. May I feel peace. May I show peace. Please throughout this day, whisper "I am here. I am with you. It will all be okay." And please come carry me if it feels too hard. Remind me that I am growing. I am growing EVERY DAY. And I want to grow to be more like You. Help me see what looks like you. Help me give You those sorrows I hold onto so tightly, so that I can focus on showing this world Your love.

Being A Youth Pastor's Wife (On Burn Out)

Being a youth pastor's wife is the most rewarding job I have. But it is also the most heart-breaking, most frustrating, most draining thing I do. It is not easy to do this "job". And for me, it is a full time unpaid job. I work 3 jobs right now to make up the income from quitting my last job, and at the end of the day I go on to chaperon youth events and lead worship for Jr. high and Sr. high youth group.

My real problem is that I desperately want to be involved with my husbands ministry. If I could quit all my jobs and just work with him, I would do it in a heart beat. I LOVE student ministries. I have worked with youth as a volunteer for 6 years (2 years on my own out of high school and 4 years have been spent volunteering along side my now husband). I'm not like one of those people who never thought they'd be a pastor's spouse. No, I knew I would be. I KNEW that the ministry of the church (particularly youth) was so important to me that God had to bring me someone who loved youth too. And God did.

But I am suffering from some burnout these days.

And to be honest with you...I'm the only youth pastor's spouse I know that hasn't identified their boundaries (If you're out there too, let me know!). One of my best friends and college roommate is also a youth pastor's wife, but she barely goes to any events. My husband and I realized we've never ever SEEN the wife of a youth pastor here in town that we frequently do events with. I feel so alone in my battle. I desperately want to be a part of this ministry, but I am wearing myself too thin.

A lot of the times I do so much because I see so many hurting kids. I think "Oh, I should really take her out for coffee...she looks like she needs to talk to someone. That's what I'm suppose to do right? I AM the youth pastors wife after all..." For whatever reason, this is the ideal of what a youth pastors spouse should be, and though taking a teenager out for coffee is something I can and have done, it's not my instinctual way of showing these kids that I care about them and love them. To be honest, I'm just more likely to give them a hug and tell them it's going to be okay.  Let me reiterate: I LOVE THESE KIDS. But if I think I'm SUPPOSE to take all the students out for coffee, it probably won't happen. Because it isn't my gift, I will probably fail at remembering to take them out. Then I feel like a failure...like I'm not able to help these teenagers I care so much for. I'm trying to make my ideals of my role as a youth pastor's wife fit into something I am not. The real problem isn't that I can't touch the lives of these hurting kids. Oh, I can. It's that I'm not letting myself be exactly who I am. They don't need or want the me I think I should be...they want the me that God made me to be.

I tried to think back on the youth pastor's wife when I was in high school. Her name is Jayme and I LOVED HER. I remember special times when she would help me learn chords on the keyboard while I was on the worship team. And I STILL HAVE postcards she wrote me about how special she thought I was. Little moments, even though she wasn't there for every event, meant the world to me. And by sometimes distancing herself from the ministry of her husband, and having boundaries, she was able to be exactly who she was exactly when I needed it.

Last week I attended a youth worker training day (that my wonderful husband helped create and run) called "Equip" and they had a phenomenal speaker named Katie Quesada there. In her message to us she said something so powerful. So wonderfully refreshing. She said:

"You are unique. The truest you, the you God created, what you are, is exactly what people need. No more, no less. What you have to offer, the way it feels most natural, is what people need."

We are unique. Do not try to be something you aren't just because you think that's what your role is. I need to be a wife, a nanny, a youth worker, a preschool teacher, a sister, a daughter, a Sunday school director. And I need to know where I am in all of those roles. I need to see me. I need to see that my work does not define me. That I am perfect just how I am in the small ways I do all those things.

I cannot be the best version of myself for these kids when I have no boundaries. I am worn thin. I am frustrated with them. I am frustrated with myself. I am frustrated with God. I do too much. When I say yes to too many things, I can do none of them well. If I want to be effective, I have to choose my boundaries. You have to say no to most things (even good worthwhile things) in order to do those few things as best as you can. You have to say "no" to say "yes".

When do I say no? What do I say yes to? I think we should say yes to the things that bring us joy. Say yes to the things that feel most naturally "you".

I absolutely love the way the message translation talks about "spiritual gifts" or as I like to call them "glimpses of God". You can read a whole excerpt here, but I wanted to point out a few parts with my own twist from my own life. Instead of listing the spiritual gifts as they traditionally appear, I can't help but see it this way:

You have God's smile

You have God's eyes

You have God's heart

You have God's creativity

You have God's words

You have God's touch

We are all unique. We are all exactly who God has made us to be. Sometimes we get a little dusty, but our heart...God's heart...is right there.

I love this part in verse 13 "Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. (***Like "pastor's wife"***) We need something larger, more comprehensive. I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less."

We are not labels. We are precious children of God who are given special parts of God to give to each other. The first thing we need to do is remember who we are. If you need to go away and spend an extended amount of time discovering this, DO IT. When you know who you are and who God made you to be, you will naturally show God's love.

You Have to Know Their Name

After writing in my last post about words becoming flesh, and talking about Social Justice over at Sorta Crunchy for 40 Days of Community, I couldn't help but be reminded of how important our actions are when talking about social justice.

Wes and I are taking a group of 6 high school kids on a mission trip to Los Angeles this summer, and we have been meeting weekly with them to help prepare them for the trip. They have readings, reflections and bible memorization's due, all to help point them towards a better understanding of homelessness and our call to continue to work with God to bring His Kingdom to earth. We want to teach them that the Gospel is more than words, it is action (and even more than just action, it is hearing the stories of others). I thought I would research a little bit to see the demographics of the homeless in our town to share with the kids.

I decided to look up "homeless in (our town)" on google. And although I could not find any homeless shelters in my town, I did find a "Help for the Homeless Pets" here. "Wow" was all I could say. We have people sleeping in the riverbed every night and yet we have shelters for pets and not for PEOPLE.

Our town does not have a homeless shelter...and the closest one is at least a 30 minute drive. And yet we have so many homeless people living here, camped out under tarps in the riverbed.

To be honest, I'm not one to talk. I've never even been down in the riverbed. We have one place where the hungry can receive a meal, and it's only once a week and I've never served food there.

I have served the homeless before, though. I have talked with them, eaten with them, ridden the bus with them. I have. But it has been so long. In the 2 years I've lived in this town, I have only had conversations with one homeless man...and that's only because we knew him before he was homeless. I guess...it's just...that I've forgotten them. I've stopped seeing their faces, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I don't KNOW them anymore...so I don't think about them.

Needless to say, I'm not good at this yet. I'm really very good at articulating what needs to be done. And I know quite a bit about Social Justice..but it's the doing it that is the hardest. I'm not there yet...but I'm trying (And knowing the needs is the first step). I want to really help people, but it's hard to know where to start sometimes.

I love organizations like Compassion International, Toms Shoes and Operation Christmas Child...but where are we challenging people to be face to face with those in need? Am I challenged? These organizations are doing wonderful things...but...It is EASY to sponsor a child for 38 dollars a month. It is EASY to buy a pair of Toms. It is EASY to fill a shoebox once a year. It is not as easy to walk the riverbed where the homeless sleep on the ground. It is not as easy to eat a meal with the homeless at the soup kitchen. It is not as easy to give a sandwich to a child who has sores on her body because her family can't even afford to go to the clinic.

It is easy to give money. It is easy to separate us from the homeless. It's when you know their name that things get sticky. It's when you know that Bonnie has 3 children and lives on the street. It's when you know that Jessie can't get out of prostitution. It's when you know that Chuck can't get a job....it's then when your heart truly breaks...and its then that you see Jesus.

Here are some things to get us headed in the right direction...

• If you want a good song that reminds us of where we see Jesus, please listen to this song called "Jesus" by Shaun Groves.
• If you want a good book please read "The Social Justice Handbook" by Mae Elise Cannon.
• If you live in San Diego County please visit these places bringing heaven to earth: North County Solutions for Change, Fill-A-Belly, and Hidden Treasures.
• Please find local organizations and spend some time volunteering there!

May we know the stories of the weak. May we know the names of poor. And may we always see Jesus in their faces.

James 2: 15- 16 "If you know someone who doesn't have any clothes or food, you shouldn't just say, "I hope all goes well for you. I hope you will be warm and have plenty to eat." What good is it to say this, unless you do something to help?"

Word Becoming Flesh

My birthday was last week. I love birthdays...I mean, I LOVE THEM. Needless to say when I realized that my birthday fell during lent and I had already resolved to delete my facebook, I was devastated. NO ONE WILL REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY!

For my birthday I ended up getting 3 cards, 1 email, 2 phone calls (This does not include immediate family which added a few more) and 10 text messages.

This is not to say that I had a bad birthday, it was very nice and those who contacted me made it very special, but I wanted to break that down because my last birthday I got 40+ birthday message on my facebook wall (with minimal phone calls no cards and no texts). This year, without facebook, there were 15 people who wished me a happy birthday and 75% of them still resorted to a text based communication. I find this so fascinating! And I also relate to it so well.

I used facebook as my primary means of communication. And now that I have given it up, I have to actually WORK in my relationships now. I have to make time to cultivate my friendships. Before lent I was completely satisfied with reading others facebook posts and commenting on them, almost as my sole means of communicating with them. See, I am a very busy person. I work 3 jobs and my husband is a youth pastor and I am highly involved with his ministry as well. It was easier and more efficient to send a text and a comment. But at what cost? I have lost the value of sitting together, sharing our hearts and lives with one another.

It really makes me think about how we choose to communicate and how that can impact the message of what we are saying (and how that communication deepens or widens our personal relationships).

The other night I was watching a video series at a Bible study and we heard the story about a man who had a hard time expressing his feelings of love to his son, so he wrote them in a letter. The commentator called this act "word becoming flesh" they did not just stay inside someone's head or heart, they were spoken. And the farther we get from internet/text based "words" the more precious those words are. The closer we get to real face to face communication, the more vulnerable we are, and the more vulnerable we are, the better we can be God's love to those around us, and receive that love back.

Note on my wall at facebook - Text message - Phone call - Letter in the mail - Going out for coffee.......I'd much rather give/receive the last 3 means of communication...but it seems like they have become an obsolete means of communication.

Shane Hipps, author of "Flickering Pixels" and teaching Pastor at Mars Hill Church says this about relationships and facebook:

"The narcissism created by these technologies [facebook] is unique. It encourages not just self-absorption, but, more accurately, self-consumption. We become creators and consumers of our own brand. We become enamored by a particular kind of self, a pseudo-self.....This heavily edited and carefully controlled self easily hides certain parts of ourselves we don’t want others to see. This is hardly new, of course. In any social situation, we seek to control the impression we give. The problem is that in real social settings, there are limits to what we can hide. At a certain point, people intuitively see through us. Eventually they get a sense of who we really are. And in this way, real friendships can function as a healthy mirror. They become an honest mirror that loves but doesn’t flatter us."

This kind of real face to face communication is so vital for us to grow and feel and live. So vitally important for us to become deeper followers of Jesus Christ.

Let us remember: God did not shout from the heavens "I love you my children, you are free from the curse." No, God sent Jesus. A real live man who loved his enemies, ate with the poor, physically died for us, and then miraculously rose from the dead. It's as real flesh and blood as you can get. God did not just speak it. He loved us too much for that. This is what we are celebrating on Easter: God became flesh and blood and died a flesh and blood kind of death and then defeated that death so that we could be face to face with God and His kingdom.

So as we continue through lent, may we act out our relationships in the fleshiest kind of ways.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Reflections on Community (1)

I am joining in on a journey through lent over at Sorta Crunchy. Each day we are reading a devotion from "Common Prayer" (a book available online at commonprayer.net ). I can't remember the last time I was doing consistent daily devotions...so this has been such a good thing for me! Each week during the "4o Days of Community" I'm going to reflect on my readings from "Common Prayer". This first week was...convicting to say the least! Especially my reading on Wednesday. There was a quote from Basil of Caesarea that said this:

Are you not a robber, you who consider your own that which as been given you solely to distribute to others? This bread which you have set aside is the bread of the hungry; this garment you have locked away is the clothing of the naked; those shoes which you let rot are the shoes of him who is barefoot; those riches you have hoarded are the riches of the poor.

Wow. So straight forward. If you have excess, that excess is for the poor...by hoarding it, you have let the poor continue to be naked and hungry.

Now...a little back story on why this has hit me so hard. My husband and I are hoping to move into a place on our family's land in the next 6 months. This is a better choice all around for us...except for one thing: it's smaller than our 2 bedroom apartment...it's 400 sq ft. And to be honest, we're a little freaked out sometimes when we talk about it...and it's not even for a good reason! We're freaked out because "How will we fit all our stuff in it?" I've talked about this before, but I come from a long line of family hoarders! We love to save any thing that has even a little meaning or that could maybe be used later. THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.

I found a mom who lives in a small place too that has simplified her life. I LOVE THE WEBSITE! It has tips on how to do exactly what I desperately want to do....I have a lot of things to go through...but how can I not be compelled. It is only excess...it is only "stuff". What really matters in this life is how we love God and others.

Matthew 25:41-45 "I was hungry, but you did not give me anything to eat, and I was thirsty, but you did not give me anything to drink. I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me, and I was naked, but you did not give me any clothes to wear. I was sick and in jail, but you did not take care of me." Then the people will ask, "Lord, when did we fail to help you when you were hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail?"

The king will say to them, "Whenever you failed to help any of my people, no matter how unimportant they seemed, you failed to do it for me."

Lent - Making Room for God

I realized today that this will be my first real participation in the season of lent. Growing up in an evangelical church, we were more interested in Good Friday and Easter than Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday. And I'd never practiced the discipline of lent - never given or taken something up for those 40 days before Easter.

Now that Wes and I have been involved with a more traditional church for the past few years, I am learning more about this wonderful season. And with us being more theologically minded, I really wanted to take lent seriously. There's no giving up "candy" or "soda" for me. This needed to mean something. It needed to be something that makes room for God.

I was trying to explain lent to some 1st and 2nd grade kids in our church. Eventually I ended up saying "Lent is giving up (or taking up) something that you like to do, but if done too much, could be bad for you, and by giving it up it will bring you closer to God." And our kids actually came up with some cute ideas like, "I will stop shopping at "Justice"" , "I will stop riding in the car and walk more", "I will give up my video games" and "I will stop fighting with my sister" etc.

So I have been thinking long and hard about what to do for lent. Wes and I are following this guideline to help us:

1. What kind of person do you want to be?
2. What keeps you from being who you want to be?
3. How does giving this up, strengthen your relationship with God and others?

After thinking about it for some time, I finally realized this:

I want to be present in the lives of those around me. Instead, I feel myself very disconnected from those around me, even though I am connected to hundreds of people through social networks like facebook and twitter. In fact, those social network sites are hindering my ability to focus on those around me. I can know everything my cousin is doing everyday because of status updates...but when was the last time I actually talked to my cousin? Ate with my cousin? Laughed with my cousin? Facebook gives me (us?) a false sense of closeness - not to mention I spend an average of 4 hours a day on it. Giving up facebook will give me space to make room for God and others. It will force me to watch a movie with my husband, instead of sit on the computer while he plays video games. It will force me to call up a friend for coffee (because I've suddenly opened up a couple hours of my evening!). It will give me time to read, write and pray.

I recently discovered a blog that I totally dig called Sorta Crunchy written by a mom who's passions seem to be very similar to mine. She is starting a Lenten practice called "40 days of community". This community of bloggers and readers will be participating in a few "challenges" but one of my favorites is this: Once a week, share a meal with someone you've never shared a meal with before.

WOW.

What a vulnerable but life-nourishing challenge! It is hard to eat with those you don't know well. It can be awkward! But what a great compliment to what I am desperately trying to do: spend quality time with those around me. We are also reading a book together called "Common Prayer" by Shane Claiborn (who I love tremendously) and we will be writing reflections on what we are reading. Please check out that post specially here.

Sunshine

We are busy. The "we" of my husband and I. The "we" of my church. The "we" of America. We are busy. About a month ago, our young adult bible study went on a retreat to Forest Home's Briefing conference. On the last night of the conference the whole camp did an hour of silence. Not just quiet time with music or reading your Bible.

An hour.
Of.
Silence.

I took this time very seriously, because I realized that silence is not just shutting your mouth, it is shutting off your mind. I think many people, (very much including myself) have this tendency to pray before bed and every 4 seconds into praying you are thinking about what to do tomorrow...then you remember that you were praying and on the cycle goes again. We just can't seem to quiet our minds long enough.

While I was engaged in the hour of silence, it literally took me 45 minutes to stop "talking" in my mind. It reminded me of a practice I took up in college for a class. We had to partake in a spiritual discipline, and I choose to go into our schools prayer chapel for an hour, 5 days a week. I could have gotten away with saying that I would pray for 15 minutes in the morning, but for some reason I chose a whole hour to spend time with God out of my day. Which feels like a lot! At first it was...but it became on of my most cherished memories of my college experience. I would read my Bible, pray, draw, spend time is silence, even dance sometimes. Soon, that hour went by so quickly that I wanted more. I felt connected to the Creator. I felt good about who I was and my identity in Christ. I loved God and I knew God loved me back. I desperately miss those times. I was rejuvenated and re-centered. And lately I've been so busy that I may have forgotten who I am and who my God is...

But anyway, back to the hour of silence, 45 whole minutes is what it took for me to unwind, and finally LISTEN. I kept saying "stop. listen." if I felt myself starting to even "talk" to God. This was a time to listen in silence. Not to talk to God, but to let God talk to me.

Finally after 45 minutes, and then after a few more of intense silence, God said this:

"Hello, my sunshine."

Oh, I smiled. I listened as flashes of myself as a child ran through my head. Those innocent qualities of a child. Those qualities that we know we have deep inside us, but that we've pushed away for so long. For me, I was a bright, smiling, crazy, laughing, singing, mischievous, little girl who knew exactly what she wanted, and those things are still a part of my soul. That is who I am when no one is looking. That is who I am with my family, my husband and my God. But even with those closest to me, I can forget who I am. There are so many identities to chose from...so many expectations in our lives that push us to take on those different identities and internalize a negative self image because our view of ourselves is based on our accomplishments or how others see us.

That is why true silence in the presence of the One who loves you most, good and bad, thick and thin (and many other cliches) is so crucial to feeling and knowing that YOU MATTER in this world. And it is so crucial to being able to DO THE THINGS THAT MATTER. If you are doing so many things and never taking time for yourself you will not do any of those things well. Do only what you can while still taking time to rest, because you can make a difference doing the few things you care about passionately.

So I challenge myself to take specific time out of my week to be silent. And I challenge myself to find my identity in Christ. Because, I am God's Sunshine.

Dec. 2nd Tuesday: Week 1 of Advent

Malachi 3:1-3 "See, I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty. But who can endure the day of his coming? Who can stand when he appears? For he will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.

God will come and refine. As I ponder on these verses my initial response was negative. My first thought was "judgment" and that left a bad taste in my mouth. But why? I have forgotten that refining, judging, is not condemning. It is taking something beautiful underneath the roughness and making it smooth. I should be humbled by God's judgment.I should welcome it. I should pray for it.

I think I have let myself become an unexamined person lately. One who isn't letting the refiner, the potter, mold me into who I am continually meant to me. I've become okay with allowing myself to be unchanged. And there is no freedom in that. Freedom is in the nothing where God changes. Where you are so close and intimate with God that He can change you. I pray that tomorrow, I am given the chance to let go, and let God mold me into the Amanda I am in His eyes.

May we praise God for His gift in Jesus Christ, and may we open our hearts and minds to refining.

Dec 1st. Monday: Week 1 of Advent.

"Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart." - Matthew 11:29

I don't think I have ever read this verse before, but it really makes Jesus personal. It makes his essence and mission clear: to be gentle and humble in all interactions, both when people are watching, and when they are not. Christ came to bring the world together, and peace comes from being humble and gentle with our neighbors. We sing a song at the end of service at church that reflects this.

"Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on,
The peace that was meant to be.
To take each moment,
And live each moment,
In peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me."

The peace that Jesus embodies through humility and gentleness starts with me. And you. One person at a time, being peace to those around them. May we always remember the humility of Christ, and may we share in the work of that humility.

Thanksgiving Hope

Thankful. Thanksgiving.
Full of thanks. Giving thanks.
Grateful. Humbled.
I am thankful that You never give up
On this place. On these people. On me.
I am thankful for Your vision of restoration.
In the big pieces. In the small pieces.
Big Peace. Small Peace. All Peace.
All pieces. All parts.
One part. One People.
One God. In love. With a People.
In love with a potential for Peace.
A potential for people to love
Beyond the surface.
Beyond the arguments.
Beyond religion and politics.
To a love between human and human.
Reflecting a love between God and humans.
I am thankful that You never give up.

ANYWAY

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered,
LOVE THEM ANYWAY
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies,
SUCCEED ANYWAY
The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow,
DO GOOD ANYWAY
What you spent years building may be destroyed overnight,
BUILD ANYWAY
People really need help but may attack you if you help them,
HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth,
GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU’VE GOT ANYWAY.

author unkown

This was taken from a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan, Mother Teresa's children’s home in Calcutta.

Missing the Magic

I sat with my family as we watched Criss Angel tonight. It wasn't very enjoyable, not only because Criss Angel is just weird, but because everyone in my family room would pause the show and nitpick the entire illusion, trying to figure it out. "There's no way he could be walking on water, because why are those girls not swimming in front of him. There's glass under him, there has to be," my mom kept repeating. And then it wasn't magic anymore. There is something very beautiful about just enjoying a magic trick. Of course Criss Angel didn't really walk on water, but that isn't the point. The point is to enjoy a great artist doing something he's very good at. Enjoying the magic of "seeing" a man walk on water.

And then I was reminded of how as Christians, we can do something similar. We can take something as beautiful as the story of God and His people and instead of just enjoying the simplicity and complexity of this story, we try to analyze every sentence and every word, and we end up missing the magic.

Micah 6:8

I sat as I waited for the car ahead of me to drive out of the driveway so I could get out on the road. A woman was trying to talk to the driver through the window but quickly walked away. When it was my turn to drive through I noticed the woman. She had sat back down next to a man under the bus stop bench. They seemed to be traveling together and looked like they needed some money, or food, or anything, really.

As I drove by my heart was saddened. I wanted to help them. But I thought about the streets of LA county and the dangers of being alone.

"But God,' I said. "How do you know when it's safe to go out?"......

And he replied, "I never asked you to be safe."

My Proverb

This is the proverb that I wrote for my class. Let me know how you interpret it or how it makes you feel.

As a fool aggravates an angry bull,
So is the one who provokes a pointless argument.

Revelation

Wes and I pulled up to the gas station to fill up my car. He got out while I stayed buckled in. As I sat in my seat, I noticed a man digging through the trashcan to the right of me. He pulled out old bottles and cans, anything that could be recycled, and put them all into his own trashbag. Without realizing it, I reached for the lock. I hate that I do that. He moved over to the trashcan to my right and began the process again, and once finished, walked away. Wes finished filling up the tank and got back into the car.

"The homeless are better stewards of the environment." I said.

"Why's that?"

"They recycle."

Transparency

This week I saw an incredible amount of transparency in a very unexpected situation. My roommate and I were watching “Ellen” and the minute she stepped out and the camera’s started rolling, she began to cry. We weren’t expecting that. And as tears began to fall she said,

“"People say to me a lot, 'How do you do the show if you're in a bad mood? How do you do your show if you're sad, or, don't you have bad days?' I'm a human being and I have bad days and I have sad days. But when I walk out here, and you all cheer, and when you're here to dance, you're here to laugh, and I know I make people happy, it changes my mood. I come out here and I can do anything because of the energy I get. But today is a hard day for me. Today is bad. I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now. I'm so sorry -- I'm just not able to pretend. So I'm going to tell you the story. I'm going to get over it and we're going to have a good show.”

This kind of emotion and transparency is rare. Regardless of how you feel about Ellen DeGeneres, and regardless of the fact that her story ended up being about a dog, you cannot help but know that her emotion was real, and she wasn’t afraid to be transparent for a moment.

When we are transparent with someone, we are forced into relationship with them. When you see pain in another human beings eyes, you cannot help but feel connected to them. I don’t know Ellen, and I never will, but in that moment we were connected, because I know the emotion that came out. I see it in myself; I see it in hearts of the people I love. And I see it in the eyes of the people I’ve never met. This is a common and deep bond between human beings.

The most chilling and profound sentence to me was when she said, “I am not capable of coming out and pretending to be funny when things are going so terribly wrong right now.” It was to this point where she wasn’t even CAPABLE of putting a mask on anymore. It wasn’t even an option.

I think you know that feeling. When someone comes along just at the right moment and asks the right question: “How are you?” and you just can’t do it. You can’t say “Fine” anymore. You begin to cry, or maybe shift about if you’re the tough type, and then you let it down. You let the walls down. “You know…things aren’t going so good right now.” And then you talk.

I wish I saw this more often. This realization that life is not lived alone and that we are in this amazing continuous relationship with one another. Life is meant to be lived transparently. You might think Ellen is annoying, you might think she’s odd, and you might despise her because of her lifestyle, but I pray that you got past how you feel about someone to see that you are just the same as them. Be transparent…please.